Life can be ugly...

life tends to beat you down to the ground and it will keep you there if you let it. Life can be cruel whether by natural causes outside of your control or by something you yourself have done. I can deal with the bad cards that life will deal because I want to think that I am strong enough to take the hits and keep moving forward to becoming a better man, a better father, a better person. Now, what I can't understand is why would I keep creating ill advised circumstances for myself that is just going to end up bad for me and everyone around me. I'm not going to go into details because it's late but just a few days ago I felt so beaten, so ashamed, so distraught, so guilty, so scared that I felt like I would do anything to stop feeling that way and it scared the hell out of me. I felt like I was on the verge of screaming and crying but nothing would come out. I felt like the whole world was coming down on me...felt trapped in a tiny space and I couldn't move. Like I was on a path to self destruction because of my "disease" and I remembered someone once asked me "you've been saying you are going to change and you would do things differently to better your situation but it's now 3-4 years later and you're still making the same mistakes and make the same decisions that lead you to the very spot you claim you don't want to be. If you haven't changed in these last 3-4 years, what makes you think you're going to change any time soon?" That was meant for something else I was doing early on in life and thankfully I have gotten control over that but there is still the one thing I've been doing for a long time and I can't seem to get rid of it. I wish I could point a finger at my family and say "well, they did it for a long time and I grew up seeing them do it so because of them I got corrupted..." or something along those lines but no one is making me do it. No one is pointing the proverbial gun at me and making me do these things. I can see that and I recognize that but only when cornered or scared does it knock some sense into me and I stay straight for some time but I just fall back into habit after a little bit.


I know this has been my first post in a LONG time and I do apologize for the dramatic content but this is something I have inside me that I'm trying to get rid of and I'm willing to do anything to get rid of this beast inside me.