I'm here to rant and rave about every day life as well as asking some questions and getting some answers.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Trapt
It is a momentous occasion for me with my new job and having somewhat of a clear head but at the same time I'm hurting, I'm angry, I'm anxious, I'm tired (mentally/physically), I'm lonely, I'm raging, I feel alienated and it feels like I'll never get to the end of this road.
I can't seem to win. I'm always at odds with everything in my so called "married" life, if that makes any sense. I don't feel like a husband. I feel like a boyfriend that could be pushed away at any moment. It's as if I'm the new generation of husbands that I see and hear about now a days. If we don't conform to what the wive's think is a good marriage then fuck it. I've always thought that when one gets married and eventually have children that that is your new family and it's a priority over anything but it's just not like that here. I want out of this prison. I want to break out of these walls and start new. I don't think I want to continue in this marriage.
I was talking to my mother, which I'm sure you know is a great cook and very smart woman from my brother's post whenever she goes to visit home, and she just made all the sense in the world but there is just one thing I don't think I can go through with and that's sitting here until tax return season and having whatever money we have saved from here to there and deciding to leave her parent's house for good whether it's with or without her. Holy crap, this sux....
It seems like there is a funk around. Everyone is catching it and there doesn't seem to be a cure for it. I had already posted my metal song for Saturday but I can really relate to this song so I thought I'd share it with all of you.
Been here before
Been here before couldn't say I liked it Do I start writing all this down? Just let me plug you into my world Can't you help me be uncrazy?
Name this for me, heat the cold air Take the chill off of my life And if I could I'd turn my eyes To look inside to see what's comin'
It comes alive And I die a little more It comes alive Each moment here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling It comes alive Then the unnamed feeling Takes me away
I'm frantic in your soothing arms I can not sleep in this down filled world I've found safety in this loneliness But I can not stand it anymore
Cross my heart hope not to die Swallow evil, ride the sky Lose myself in a crowded room You fool, you fool, it will be here soon
It comes alive And I die a little more It comes alive Each moment here I die a little more
Then the unnamed feeling It comes alive Then the unnamed feeling Treats me this way And I wait for this train Toes over the line And then the unnamed feeling Takes me away
Get the fuck out of here I just wanna get the fuck away from me I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate I hate it all, why? Why? Why me?
I cannot sleep with a head like this I wanna cry, I wanna scream I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate I wanna hate it all away
I figured I'd put these out earlier since I have to get up early tomorrow so here goes...
Today on High Voltage we have an up and coming metal band that's a mix of Guns 'N Roses and Yngwie Malmsteen....we have Avenged Sevenfold with Bat Country and Seize the day
Caught here in a fiery blaze, won't lose my will to stay. I tried to drive all through the night, the heat stroke ridden weather, the barren empty sights. No oasis here to see, the sand is singing deathless words to me.
[Chorus:] Can't you help me as I'm startin' to burn (all alone). Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction. My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone). No one can save me and you know I don't want the attention.
As I adjust to my new sights the rarely tired lights will take me to new heights. My hand is on the trigger I'm ready to ignite. Tomorrow might not make it but everything's all right. Mental fiction, follow me; show me what it's like to be set free.
[Chorus]
So sorry you're not here I've been sane too long my vision's so unclear. Now take a trip with me but don't be surprised when things aren't what they seem.
Caught here in a fiery blaze, won't lose my will to stay. These eyes won't see the same, after I flip today.
Sometimes I don't know why we'd rather live than die, we look up towards the sky for answers to our lives. We may get some solutions but most just pass us by, don't want your absolution cause I can't make it right. I'll make a beast out of myself, gets rid of all the pain of being a man.
[Chorus]
So sorry you're not here I've been sane too long my vision's so unclear. Now take a trip with me but don't be surprised when things aren't what they seem. I've known it from the start all these good ideas will tear your brain apart. Scared but you can follow me I'm too weird to live but much too rare to die.
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time But I'm too young to worry These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past
I found you here, now please just stay for a while I can move on with you around I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever? I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in No longer needed here so where do we go? Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death? But girl, what if there is no eternal life?
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here Please tell me what we have is real
So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again? Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you and the memories of us to see I beg don't leave me
Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here Please tell me what we have is real
Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [x2 then continues in the background] I stand here alone Falling away from you, no chance to get back home I stand here alone Falling away from you, no chance to get back home
Well, it's official. They had pretty much told me I was hired but as a formality we had to wait for my background check to come through. It came in today and everything was A O.K. I have my orientation tomorrow and officially start on Monday. I wish I can express to you how much this means to me because it's officially a fresh start as a "sober" person. Right now it's only words so I just have to go out there and prove myself.
I realized that there is no point in complaining like I did in my previous post. No point in telling the story over and over to whoever will listen and make sure the details are understood in hopes you will see that I am right and she is wrong. Because in truth all our problems are as much my fault as it was hers. So I will not go on telling you of every little thing she has done that was wrong. That was in the past and here I am no better than I was yesterday or the day before that. The difference between us is that I recognize that I have a problem, more like a barrage of problems, and I decided that I was going to do something to fix my situation. Make a few sacrifices now so that in the long run I will be better off. If I make a mistake I will be a man and own up to it.
I'm a bit worried at the moment for my marriage. I feel that we have hit a wall that was built long ago and I don't know if it can be brought down. When it comes down to it to me it feels as if we are only here today for all the wrong reasons. Maybe she feels sorry for me and knows that i have no where to go if it ended. Maybe she's simply used to having me around and doesn't want to be alone. Maybe it's because of our little one. I don't know what it could be but I'm afraid of even bringing it up because for as long as I can remember we can't get into a serious discussion without it always turning into a fight. Sure, we can wait until one or the other calms down but once the subject is brought up again it just turns into the same fight. I feel like we're lost never to return to who we once were and feel like it's too far gone for there to be any change.
I just got back from my interview and I must say that was the best interview of all interviews I've ever had and that's saying something because I've had quite a few.
My interview lasted exactly an hour and ten minutes and that's a sure way of knowing that it either went well or you're hired. We talked about all the changes that's been made since I last worked for them and all the good benefits and bonuses. She was really impressed by my previous experience.
The only thing that scared me for a millisecond was when she said she was still waiting for my background check to come in and it had already been a few days since she sent it in. But then I remembered that Blockbuster's background checks were always a joke...it wasn't exactly a criminal background check...it's weird...don't know how to explain it and more than half the time it never came back anyways because their human resources was too busy doing whatever it is they do.
She told me what my starting pay was going to be, sign #1, and that I have orientation on Saturday. I just have to wait to do the new employee paperwork because the background check hasn't come in yet but if by Friday it still hasn't come in yet then she'd call me in on Friday to come in and do my paperwork before the orientation. So pretty much....I GOT THE JOB!!
The reason I called this bittersweet is because I was scared about the background check but I'm not worried about it anymore...still, until I go in to fill out the new employee paperwork, I'm going to be on edge.
I think I might have posted this video once before but I don't care. It's such a kick ass song and it pretty much shows how I'm feeling at this moment.
First and foremost, I finally turned my petition to seal/expunge my record since I have no priors and I got my hearing date with the judge the same day. I have to go in October 31 and this extremely long ordeal can finally end. No more losing good job opportunities because of it.
A lot of places are hiring now with the coming holidays and I'm going to be getting some interviews soon so hopefully I'll get a good offer amongst them all and I'll be working strictly with customer service and merchandising and retail type stuff...no more tending to animals.
GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT CONFIDENCE GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, SPIT OUT ALL REASON, YEAH
I'm tired of holdin' up the weight, the weight of the motherfuckin' world. What I wanted to do, but just can't wait DO RIGHT NOW !!! We could start a little fire just to get in the flame The type that'll blow away. I'm speakin' of my 15 minutes of fame Come on now 1 2 3...
GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT CONFIDENCE GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, SPIT OUT ALL REASON, YEAH
I'm flushing the trust of everyone, stabbing in the back and thinkin' they can break me. Set my sight can't die until I'm done MIND ENDURANCE !!! Never wanted any more than what I deserve, better bring it I'm takin' it all. Fuck an inch 'cause I'm bringin' a mile, It's on now 1 2 3...
GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT CONFIDENCE GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, SPIT OUT ALL REASON, YEAH
This fire, is growing, it's burning, deep inside of me. Focused, driven, certain, the way it's got to be
FIRE, GROWING, BURNING, DEEP INSIDE OF ME !!! FOCUSED, DRIVEN, CERTAIN, THE WAY IT'S GOT TO BE !!!
CROOKED (No Trust) LIAR (Conman) DRUNK WITH (Power) MENTOR (Taught me everything that I know)
SO WRONG, WRONG WRONG WRONG
1 2 3 !!!
GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT CONFIDENCE GO, SO FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, SPIT OUT ALL REASON, YEAH
GO, I'M FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT CONFIDENCE GO, I'M FUCKING DETERMINED, YEAH YEAH GO, SPIT OUT ALL REASON, YEAH
Such a great way to start the week. Been kind of down because I REALLY want to leave Petsmart and I haven't had much luck getting interviews but as I said on yesterday's post I have one tomorrow.
It was such a beautiful morning today. Don't get much cold fronts down here in Miami but we got one this morning and it was great. About 60 degrees and there was a bit of wind so it did feel much colder. I love cold weather. When you live in Miami all your life with the blistering heat you tend to go the other way. Thought my little one looked too cute all bundled up so I thought I'd share a picture.
She was very cheerful this morning. Had a nice little breakfast together at her school. I had her croissant and OJ, she doesn't like either one, and she had a big bowl of Frosted Flakes with chocolate milk. Such a nice peaceful morning with my little one.
I'm really excited about this because it's a really good chance to get out of where I am right now. I'm a bit tired of having to look after the animals in my store. They live a better life than I do and that simply won't do. They get their bedding changed, water twice a day. Fed twice a day. Get sliced oranges and chopped carrots. They get cc doses of medicine whenever they are sick courtesy of the onsite vet office. Screw it. I'm tired of animals.
I have a job interview at Blockbuste Video. I'm going to take it because it's a chance to start fresh and work in something familiar at the same time. I used to work for Blockbuster...3 times actually. The reason I have my foot in the door is because this particular Blockbuster is literally 2 minutes from my home. About 20 minutes walking distance. They see us there almost every day and know us by name. The store manager loves when we come by with the little one. Always gives her balloons. The rest of the staff always gives us recommendations for the latest movies or shows without us having to ask. It's almost like Cheers.
So I asked one of the employees if he happened to know if they were hiring and he told me "As a matter of fact, we are. We need a lot of people for the next few months and since you've already worked for Blockbuster before we'd keep you permanently after the holidays. Go apply and speak to Naydine, I'm almost sure I just mispelled her name, after you apply." I applied and had to wait a week because she was out of town. When I went to return a movie this afternoon she was there and first thing she told me when I walked through the door was "I have good news." Turns out my application went through and was green lighted...this means I did good....and she wanted me to come in this Wednesday for an interview. So, pray for me, cross your fingers, wish me luck or whatever it is you believe in.
I feel really bad for the missus this morning. I don't know what happened exactly but somehow our alarm clock got pushed ahead by an hour. So my wife got to work thinking it was 6:35 a.m. when it was actually 5:35 a.m. So she's been up since 4:15 a.m. when on Monday's she normally gets up at 5:15.
Ricky was a young boy, He had a heart of stone. Lived 9 to 5 and worked his fingers to the bone. Just barely got out of school, came from the edge of town. Fought like a switchblade so no one could take him down. He had no money, oooh no good at home. He walked the streets a soldier and he fought the world alone And now it's
18 and life You got it 18 and life you know Your crime is time and it's 18 and life to go [repeat above]
Tequila in his heartbeat, His veins burned gasoline. It kept his motor running but it never kept him clean. They say he loved adventure, "Ricky's the wild one." He married trouble and had a courtship with a gun. Bang Bang Shoot 'em up, The party never ends. You can't think of dying when the bottle's your best friend And now it's
18 and life You got it 18 and life you know Your crime is time and it's 18 and life to go [repeat above]
"Accidents will happen" they all heard Ricky say He fired his six-shot to the wind - that child blew a child away.
18 and life You got it 18 and life you know Your crime is time and it's 18 and life to go [repeat above]
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not exactly sure who the first person was who said that but at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
I don't think I am alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow and if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected...who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.
So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled, and it doesn't seem that bad, not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you, that change feels like a world of difference and you hope that it is...that this is the person you get to be forever. That you'll never have to change again.
All you have to do is register, it's free, and then you get to play Monopoly without having to breakout the board. Up to 4 players and you can play it a variety of ways. I wouldn't mind getting some of my fellow bloggers, Me, Pinky, Redneck Girl, Pavel, and play a nice game of Monopoly.
For the past few weeks I've been trying to figure out how I was going to go about sharing a few bad experiences I've had in my marriage. Trying to figure out a way to put into words how my marriage is not perfect and how unhappy I get from time to time with my marriage and my station in life and it all seemed as if I no fault in any of my problems although I never truly thought of it like that...not taking responsibility for some of the things I have done that have shaped my life to what it is now. I'm going to try and shape this into something coherent and in some kind of order so please bear with me...
I love my wife. I love my wife very much so that to be away from her for only 3 days feels like months and I get a good feeling as if I was denied being able to see her as punishment but on occasion I feel as if there are things she needs to work on and things she needs to recognize in order to fix herself and/or our marriage.
One of those things is her ability to make rash decisions when mad. I'm not saying that after an argument she has cheated on me although I'll never really know unless she tells me. One of her worst is keeping any number of things from me because she thinks that I'll get mad and she hold on to it until eventually it starts to eat away at her and only way for her to bring it up is through arguing. Another one of those decisions and it's a large one that she's made pretty much durout our entire marriage and before we got married is keeping contact with her ex-boyfriend. Early on in our relationship she asked me if it was OK to keep brief contact with her ex because she was with him for 2 years and was close to his family. Initially it did spark a negative reaction out of me but I decided what the hell. We've only been together for a few weeks and if we were to start getting serious down the road I'm sure it would fade away but as they say hindsight is always 20/20. She would occasionally send him an instant message asking how his family was doing and that was it. After we got married is when I first got into retail so it's been pretty non stop since then so it was either work or spending time with her. We'll get back to this later.
Now, our problems didn't really start until after the little one was born in May of 2002. I wasn't exactly a model father but then again, most new fathers aren't. Took me a while to start living up to my responsibilities as a father. I inherited a horrible spending habit from my mother and my wife's was just as bad from her mother. My mother simply spent a lot of money when she didn't make enough of it as it was and having to support me. Her mother usually ran her credits pretty high buying whatever she wanted and hiding the statements and purchases from her father which she still does to this day. Eventually I was able to beat that materialistic illness although I still get the urge to buy something...ANYTHING...whenever I had any amount of cash on me but I'm able to contain myself. It took my wife a few years but I think she has it under control. I was buying DVDs like crazy, eating out every night, buying games and needless amounts of crap when I should have been spending it on necessities like baby formula, diapers, food for us, gas, etc., etc.
One thing that ties into the bad father subject was my ability to hold down a job. I'll admit this is something I am in no way proud of. There has been only two reasons for this. A. Because I had an asshole manager(s) and just made any excuse to quit the job or B. Because I was fired because of my compulsion to steal. I've lost many jobs I've loved because of it and have lost great opportunities because of it. 1.) My job at Mars Music, the ultimate job for a musician. 2.) Blockbuster, my other obsession which is movies. 3.) Cobb Theatre, again with my movie obsession and I was a shift leader. No one knows this but I was almost arrested for what I did, it involved someone else's credit card, and would have gone down a bad road but lucky for me that someone else was very forgiving and understanding and did not press charges. 4.) Petco, worked long and hard as usual and my hard work had paid off because I was given a promotion. I was going to be a key holding team leader but because I had to go and steal things from a local Walmart I was arrested and when running a background check, which is a standard procedure for anyone moving up to management, the felony popped up and the promotion was taken away.
There's a lot more to be said but I need a break....stay tuned...
This is one of my favorite movie endings. The beginning guitar part was made by Steve Vai and then goes into God Gave Rock & Roll To You II by KISS. That beginning part almost sounds regal. This song is the ultimate anthem for all musicians...listen to the lyrics and you'll see what I'm talking about.
God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you Put it in the soul of everyone
Do you know what you want? You don't know for sure You don't feel right, you can't find a cure And you're gettin' less than what you're lookin' for
You don't have money or a fancy car And you're tired of wishin' on a falling star You gotta put your faith in a loud guitar
Chorus: God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you Gave rock and roll to everyone (oh yeah) God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you Put it in the soul of everyone
"Now listen" If you wanna be a singer, or play guitar Man, you gotta sweat or you won't get far Cause it's never too late to work nine-to-five
You can take a stand, or you can compromise You can work real hard or just fantasize But you don't start livin' till you realize - "I gotta tell ya!"
God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you Gave rock and roll to everyone God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you Put it in the soul
(Instrumental break)
God gave rock and roll to you (to everyone he gave the song to be sung) Gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to everyone
God gave rock and roll to you (to everyone he gave the song to be sung) Gave rock and roll to you, saved rock and roll for everyone Saved rock and roll
chorus repeats out...
"I know life sometimes can get tough! And I know life sometimes can be a drag! But people, we have been given a gift, we have been given a road And that road's name is... Rock and Roll!"
Was in a bit of a melancholy mood right now and this is the first song I heard when I turned on the radio this morning. Enjoy.
Wish I was too dead to cry My self-affliction fades Stones to throw at my creator Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care If indeed I cared at all Never had a voice to protest So you fed me sh** to digest I wish I had a reason My flaws are open season For this, I gave up trying One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I'd died instead of lived A zombie hides my face Shell forgotten With its memories Diaries left With cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I'll never live down my deceit
Here's Dokken with Alone Again from Under Lock and Key
I'd like to see you in the morning light I like to feel you when it comes to night Now I'm here and I'm all alone Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again
Tried so hard to make you see But I couldn't find the words Now the tears, they fall like rain I'm alone again without you Alone again without you Alone again without you
I said stay, but you turned away Tried to say that it was me Now I'm here and I've lost my way Still I know how it feels, I'm alone again
Tried so hard to make you see But I couldn't find the words Now the tears, they fall like rain I'm alone again without you
I tried so hard to make you see But I couldn't find the words Now the tears, they fall like rain I'm alone again without you
I found this cool little game to pass the time called Fowl Words. You're supposed to try to come up with as many words as you can before the timer runs out. As always post your scores. First try I got 39,800.
If you were to ask a 4 year old girl what her favorite song is, what do you think she would tell you? I'm sure you'd think something off of Barney or the Spongebob Squarepants theme song or some wacky song off a cartoon. Well, no my daughter of course. It is none other than Van Halen's Love Walks In, whose video I have played before in this post and I know exactly how it became her favorite song. Here is my story:
My car has a bum speaker...the one in the backseat left hand side and it was affecting the front left side speaker as well as long as the back speaker was still connected. I guess the wire was coming loose little by little because I started to hear a signal coming out of the front left speaker for once where as before there was nothing but the right side. So I started to play something grand like Van Halen's Love Walks In. I remember playing a lot especially with her in the car and one day I remember hearing her kind of signing the melody of some song that sounded familiar to be but couldn't place it. Then one day I'm playing the song in the car after I picked up her from school and notice another voice singing along with Sammy but I'm thinking it's a doubled track or something but it's awfully high pitched. Then I look in the rear view mirror and to my surprise she's singing along word for word. Now, every day she wants to hear her "favorite" song that starts with "Contact..."...the first word of the song. lol. I couldn't stop laughing.
But I'm not done. What else could there be you say? Well, she's had this obsession with the first ever made Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie these last few weeks. Well, it turns out that the last song of the movie right before going into the credits is none other than Van Halen's Dreams. So now she knows that the people that play her favorite song also plays the Power Rangers song at the end so I hear those two songs almost every day. Hey, better that then The Wiggles.
World turns black and white Pictures in an empty room Your love starts fallin' down Better change your tune Yeah, you reach for the golden ring Reach for the sky Baby, just spread your wings
We'll get higher and higher Straight up we'll climb We'll get higher and higher Leave it all behind
Run, run, run away Like a train runnin' off the track Got the truth bein' left behind Falls between the cracks Standin' on broken dreams Never losin' sight, ah Well just spread your wings
We'll get higher and higher Straight up we'll climb We'll get higher and higher Leave it all behind
So baby dry your eyes Save all the tears you've cried Oh, that's what dreams are made of 'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Yeah, we'll get higher and higher Straight up we'll climb Higher and higher Leave it all behind Oh, we'll get higher and higher Who knows what we'll find?
So baby dry your eyes Save all the tears you've cried Oh, that's what dreams are made of Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong Oh, that's what dreams are made of
And in the end on dreams we will depend 'Cause that's what love is made of
Hello and welcome to another edition of High Voltage, an immediate jolt of Heavy Metal Videos. Sorry for the temporary hiatus. This next song is off the Saw II soundtrack. Here is Spineshank with Smothered.
The black and cold reminds me Of all the distance we have crossed And if your darkness blinds me I could never be more lost
But I'm not the one who seeks your protection I'm not the one to share the disguise And I'm not the one who reeks of rejection I'm not the one to tear the same way twice
(chorus) You push from the inside - smothered You push from the inside out - smothered You push from the inside - smothered You push from the inside out - smothered
Have all your walls surround me They're closing in they block my sight The violence around me Found me when I could not fight
But I'm not the one to take your direction I'm not the one who wears the disguise And I'm not the one to share your reflection I'm not the one you break the same way twice
(chorus)
I will never win I will never win with you
I read you I fear you round up no more than you know I hate you I still do everytime you let me go
I remember the first time I saw this I couldn't stop laughing for nearly an hour and still chuckled every time I thought about it. Then I found on good ol' You Tube and thought I'd share it with everyone. Enjoy!!
It's 6 a.m. and I had another dream that kept me awake indefinitely. I only have an hour before having to get up to get my little one ready for school so whatever. This dream was more of the supernatural kind. Here goes:
I was at my mother's watching a movie. I had already seen the part we were in so I got up to go to the kitchen to get a snack and drink. Then out of nowhere I was back in my own bed with my wife next to me so I assumed I woke up. I'm lying there as it usually takes me a few minutes to go back to sleep. I normally lie on my front side and was facing my right towards the door that leads outside our house. All of a sudden I see this weird cloudy, shadowy shape float quickly over me and my wife and it felt like something or someone was over us...on top of us and then disappeared. We both woke up terrified. Then I opened my eyes and for some reason I was seeing a female face floating next to me. Then I REALLY woke up.
Sorry for not having a proper title but I'm not feeling very inspired to come up with a witty title. There are a lot of things that I'm not happy with in my life and some I have come to terms with and some I have not. One of them is still living with my in laws. Living in this house feels more like a prison sentence than simply living in a home. Now some of you might be saying "how bad can it be?" or "you couldn't have been there that long for it to be that bad." Well, try living six years with your inlaws. Not just mommy and daddy in law but a little brother and older brother in law. Plus all the baggage that comes along with the entire family. I'm not going to bother typing every single thing that's wrong with this family because this would be one LONG post. The 2 people I can't stand the most, I mean I could go the rest of my life without having any contact with these people and I would die a happy man is my wife's second cousin and her dad, my father in law.
2.) Susan. This is the biggest snob I have ever met. The woman talks on and on....for the simple fact that she likes to hear herself talk. She has no tact whatsoever and doesn't think of things before she says them. She has this holier than though attitude that just makes me want to punch her in the face.
1.) Ah, the father in law. I only wish living with such a person, being in contact with such a person to only my absolute worst enemy...to someone I absolutely despise. This man has a short temper and whatever he says is the end. His only justification for throwing a fit or temper tantrum and yelling at a pregnant woman, yes, my wife, is because this is his house and he'll talk to HIS daughter however he wants. Well, it's my wife and my daughter in there. While I tried to calm the situation by trying to sit down with him and talk about things peacefully all he can do is get in my face and tell me that it's his house and if I don't like it I can get the hell out. This is the man that would come banging and kicking at my bedroom door whenever my daughter, who at the time was only about 4 or 5 months old, because the baby was crying and it was annoying him. We either shut the baby up or get out. This went on for about a month or two. I barely slept and eventually had a nervous breakdown at work because of it. Screaming and cursing in front of me, my wife, and daughter to shut her up. It's a baby.
To this day if she whines a bit here and there while we try to show discipline that apparently throws him off his game of PC chess or warcraft or whatever game he's playing and starts yelling and scream to get her to shut up. Screaming all kinds of vulgar words in spanish. He has yet to pull something like that in front of me and my daughter but I fear that day if it comes because God knows what I'm capable of.
Sorry all for my disappearance. Been a bit strange lately. A lot of mixed emotions going on in my head and it pretty much brought me down to the point where I didn't want to do much not even posting on my blogger. Here's what I've been up to lately:
1.) Just finished watching the entire third season of 24. You start one episode and you just can't stop until your practically falling asleep...in my case I was falling asleep on my computer desk. At the moment, I'm downloading the entire 4th season and it should be done in a few days. For those who like this show and would like me to pass it on to a dvd, just ask and send me a few blank dvds.
2.) Playing a little game on my PC called Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green. If you're a zombie fan then this game is for you. It's basically a side story from the movie Land of the Dead by George A. Romero but the funny thing it's much more fun to play this game online after installing all the different kind of update patches and maps and extra audio and weapons. Not for the faint of heart of course. It does get a bit gory but you can't expect less from a zombie game.
3.) Spending time with my little one, my boo boo. Even though I hate getting up early in the morning, the only thing that helps is a long hot shower, I'm good to go once I'm heading out the door holding her bookbag and lunchbag or lunch pouch...whatever it may be called. As I'm sitting there on the concrete bench with her giving her her breakfast I think to myself "I better enjoy these little moments now". I can pretty much say my mornings with her before she goes inside her classroom are the highlight of my days.
Off to a different subject. I was watching 2 different shows in the last week or so...24 season 3 and Family Guy season 3 and something in both shows reminded me of my little "problem". On my Family Guy Lois doesn't have enough money to get whatever poultry it is she wanted and while going back to return it to where it goes she looks around and slips it in her purse and thus begins her road to becoming a klepto. You can see that the "rush" she gets from going to different places and just getting anything she wants through 5 finger discount and it lands her in jail.
On 24 Jack Bauer, the main character of the show played by Kiefer Sutherland, he becomes a heroin junkie while on assignment that is part of his cover while trying to infiltrate a mexican drug cartel. You see when his assignment is done he has to go "cold turkey" because he is the director of the counter terrorist unit so he starts going through his withdrawels (did I spell that right?) and you can see that it must be a horrible thing for someone to go through.
My point to this is that I was going through something like that with me being a klepto. I would say to myself that I was going to stop but after a few days I would feel those feelings of withdrawels and just go back to doing what I was doing. There was a list of reasons for my doing this and it's all bull$hit. Because it was easy. Because it would save me money. Because I could make money. Because I can. Because they deserve it. The weird thing is I hated that feeling all the way up to point where I knew I was in the clear with whatever I was pocketing...but at the same time I loved it. Does that make any sense? I hated it because I felt like i was going to have a heart attack or just pass out from the fear of being caught but loved it and I can't pinpoint a reason why. I figured after being caught and arrested in front of my mother, wife and daughter and going through the heavy sense of embarrassment that I would not dishonor them by doing it again and unfortunately I did for about another year after that up until last week...exact date was September 25, 2006. I've been a little over a week and half "sober". I feel embarrassed talking about this but I don't know what else to do other than to talk about it and maybe that would help me recognize it and be able to put a stop to it.
I have a few other issues I want to share with the few readers I do have but I'll finish up for now. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I'm dying to hear your 2 cents on the following subjects I will be bringing up.
I'm a fairly simple guy living in the horrible city of Miami, FL. I'm married to a wonderful woman and we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter and another child on the way. Been playing guitar for a little over 10 years. I want to have a career in the music industry but living in Miami, it's not easy. Born and raised here but dying to leave already.
